The Quotes Museum

[mjc506]

I believe Ptarmigan was replying to Fat Rat (Carmarthenshire,Wales) but he'll have to confirm of course

[Chris Graves]

RE Americanism filter  strikes again:
Mr Gassoon, if you haven't worked it out yet I believe Skipper would have originally written left h o o k e r van, AKA left hand drive. Made me smile.

[Gassoon]

RE Americanism filter  strikes again:
Mr Gassoon, if you haven't worked it out yet I believe Skipper would have originally written left h o o k e r van, AKA left hand drive. Made me smile.

Gaaah! Now I get it! Thanks Chris.
Never heard it before ...To me, in my ivory tower of museumy academia, the aphorisms of the working classes are quite recondite  

[Chris Graves]

Gaaah! Now I get it! Thanks Chris.
Never heard it before ...To me, in my ivory tower of museumy academia, the aphorisms of the working classes are quite recondite  

Given your geographical location I think it is amazing that you manage to communicate with us all so well using English

[Gassoon]

(belatedly) Er, thanks Chris!

Lots of quotable stuff going on, but not much museum action...

I just read this thread through, and it is full of brilliant analysis, opinion, hearsay and speculation...ie well worth a read! I have my own prejudices about BMW bikes, based originally on a tank-slapper about 40 years ago, and a mates' metal skull-plate, but please read on...the entire thread is quotable!

viewtopic.php?f=67&t=17217&start=30

A brief almost random dip in here reveals Rasher saying, about some poor journalism which extols (and yet is somehow fearful) the latest KTM and BMW models: "Now both these bikes have just had the press launch, both as yet have not been delivered to a customer, and one of them has already had three f***** recalls - guess which one?

And he complains at the KTM's £12,595 in "Standard Form", yes but it has Traction Control and Electronic suspension in this "Standard Form", the BMW is £12,435 without the Electronic suspension - and I bet it is a little bit more than £160 to add, and fully kitted the Beemer is nearer £14k (But that includes heated grips and cruise control - well worth another couple of grand no doubt, was it not touching BMW heated grips that healed the nail holes in Jesus hands)

This is what winds me up, they hint at reliability issues on a bike that has not yet had a single problem, whilst implying a bike on three recals before a single owner has collected one is the most reliable vehicle ever made..."

Andy M "Your journalist bloke is terrified of his bike and views it as an influence on his travel not a tool. He sees the blue and white badge as a talisman to ward off mechanical gremlins. His head is constantly making up noises and telling him the bike is about to explode. He thinks he "needs" a litre bike to be a man/keep up with the traffic/make progress, he thinks traction control will make up for his lack of practice/inability to match his pace to the road and he is sure he cannot survive if he has to drink tea with some filthy native rather than just whip out the Touratech boilamatic and freeze dried mocha-choca-starbucks-latte. He is in truth a right Charlie.

I've had that affliction. It is cured by a little walk across the desert (Badge made no difference to shaft supporting lip seal in F650 water pump) then living with an Enfield Bullet for 18 months. For long distance travel you need a bike you know. This is more likely a Bullet, 3-year old Africa Twin, XT600 or Wee, rebuilt three years ago with your own hands R80 or a Honda C90 you can just leave with the keys in the ignition and hop on a flight home. A £15000 can-bused monster you struggle to pick up is not needed where the locals ride CG125's at 40 mph."

"...terrified of his bike and views it as an influence on his travel not a tool. He sees the blue and white badge as a talisman to ward off mechanical gremlins."  Love it.

This forum produces better writing, more insights and fodder for discussion and the trading of opinion and experience than almost any motorcycle journalism I've read in the last two decades. IMO. Just saying.

Meanwhile, when Mr Diver reveals he'd rather have a Moto-Guzzi than a BMW, 2112 is keen to dampen this notion..."If you get one then they'll no longer be exclusive ! I'll not be able to wear my tight rubber gear saying "I've the only Guzzi in the village ".

And with some nasty images now nestled in your minds eye - my job is done!

My name is Gassoon - and that's why I drink.

[Gassoon]

A discussion about the (weird IMHO) game of rugby turned into a good old-fashioned stereotyping session (as it does) and the supposed proclivity of scotch-men (and women) to violence...

Re: Six Nations

by Abercol » Tue Mar 19, 2013 10:38 am

"I got stabbed when I lived in Govan......by my Hungarian wife.....I'd say she'd gone native.

She's now my ex-wife!

Mind you, coming home to find a load of 5 yr olds dragging my motorcycle up the road on its side was interesting...took 6-7 of them and a load of old rope. They'd have been quicker wheeling it, but had managed to drag it over 100yards. A quick think & I paid the old winos who "lived" on the empty bit of ground opposite the tenement a six pack a week to look after the bikes for me. Saw them chase off kids etc with wurzle gummidge like rantings on several occasions - best alarm system ever."

BeeEm riders can of course get the 'TouraTramp' alarm system for a bottle of Bell's a day. ;-)

[Gassoon]

WARNING! This entry contains references to POLITICS! Some readers may want to look away now.


Stibbs (stirring) raised the topic of the latest budget, and Tusker raised his own concerns over the economy
..."I mean my topic of the day is this ,,, how can one cut-cost Supermarket, Quality Save, in Ashton in Makerfield sell Cadburys Cream eggs 8 (yes Eight) for £1 whilst ASDA 2 miles away are selling them at 60p each...

Heh!

[Abercol]

Ahhh politics....

You hollered, "Don't look, Ethel!" But it was too late. She'd already been mooned. Flashed her right there in front of the shock absorbers.

My thanks to Ray Stevens....

[Fatbelly]

With regard to Abercol, his Hungarian ex-wife and the stabbing incident. A quick reference to his comment on the topic "Wife missing in Alaska" might provide a little insight!    

[Abercol]

Correct Fatbelly!...how did you know that the Hungarian ex was the one that was given that particular pest??

The next ex also got a dose via a very pretty Russian girl I met on holiday in Dubai...not my fault, how was I to know...

[Gassoon]

Abercols colourful past: Fatbelly said "With regard to Abercol, his Hungarian ex-wife and the stabbing incident. A quick reference to his comment on the topic "Wife missing in Alaska" might provide a little insight!"

Abercol:

Correct Fatbelly!...how did you know that the Hungarian ex was the one that was given that particular pest??

The next ex also got a dose via a very pretty Russian girl I met on holiday in Dubai...not my fault, how was I to know...

Bugger!   Its already in the museum.......that's cheating, posting direct (I think?)

[edit: take note - never again do museum curating at 10.30 on a Friday night, after a jar or two).

[Juvecu]

Keep up the good work blokes  It was great to catchup on the forum and have this thread to read as well

[Gassoon]

Debate over best way to handle an off: the general consensus is that despite any theorising, you hardly ever have a chance to do anything at all - its too quick and our responses too feeble, given the forces involved...
2112 said "these things happen so fast and are often over before you realise what's going on. My last off (while travelling forwards - I won't go into a little reversing off...) was when I hit a lamb up on the Northumberland Moors. The first I knew I was face down on the tarmac with a cute fluffy lamb limping past me and an Africa Twin bouncing off the rev limiter on it's right hand side ! Not ideal and over in a blur. Broke two ribs too but I didn't realise until I lifted something heavy four days later - ouch.

Ride safe, it's always better to prevent the accident in the first place"  

Mr diver..."I've come off the bike at speed before, I let go of the bike after aiming at the grass bank up the side... wouldn't have made the corner as a van was over my side and gravel on the road,
I made a split second decision to trash the bike but put myself in the safest place I could find.
but I couldn't say it was a true decision more an instinctive reaction."

Ali on his one (one's enough) high-sider..."...There isn't much time to think about anything during that Clark Kent moment other than "Sh*t, this is going to hurt".

Once I hit the ground all the air was knocked out of my lungs, permanently on the one that collapsed and the pain was immediate albeit tempered by adrenalin. I was trying to see what I was about to hit and once satisfied there was no danger there I looked for where the bike was going but it was all over in a few seconds."

Keith Cross and Juvecu describe their incidents...Juvecu has since taught himself not to panic-stamp on the rear brake.

Sofa says "In all my off's over the years I have employed the same technique and it has never failed.
I always try to land on the ground and so far have always managed it."

Which reminds me of what the late, great Spike Milligan said of one National Service escapade..."Luckily the ground was there to break my fall..."!

[Gassoon]

Now filed in the padlocked section at the back of the museum under 'Obsessive Search for Irrelevant V-Strom Data' is Chris D'Pirates  

How many Cream Eggs can you fit in an OEM top box?

Tue Apr 02, 2013 8:01 pm

"As I found out - more than 288..

given the OEM top box is 48L and an average cream egg is 34g - assumed to be 34cm3

Theoretically in volume it should fit - 1411.76 eggs

However assuming tetrahedral packing of close packed spheres means - 742 MAX

but I still have to actually pack them into the box which leave me the conundrum of packing them in without them falling out as I load them. Estimates 400 to 550.


Has anyone else tried this?!

by the way, happy easter".

A full critical evaluation of his study followed, the data weighed, possible variables offered and technical solutions to obtaining a greater density of packing (involving clingfilm, and melting), but possibly the most satisfying conclusion came from PHIL FAT saying:

I think you need to get out more

[Gassoon]

'Pre-ride routines', started by jabmotorsport induces semi-shamefaced admissions from many:

loggamatt describes routines involving disc-locks, wallets etc, and then

At which point I then have to get off the bike, do whatever it is I forgot to do before, get gear back on, get back on the bike, then ride. It's a ritual I seem to find very hard to avoid... I'm only 29 too, imagine what I'm going to be like when I'm really old!

Stibbs is, annoyingly, very efficient however.

Tusker the opposite of stibbs:

Gear on, Bike out of shed, start it, put headgear and helmet on, open gate put bike on driveway, close gate, throw leg over , put gloves on, check fuel level and zero tripometer.

take gloves off , open gate, go back in house , get mobile phone, go back to bike , throw leg over, knock gloves off tank, get off bike, pick gloves up, throw leg over, put gloves on , check fuel level , make sure tripometer is zero

take gloves off , open gate, go back in house , get digital camera, go back to bike , throw leg over, knock gloves off tank, get off bike, pick gloves up, throw leg over, put gloves on , check fuel level , make sure tripometer is zero

take gloves off , open gate, go back in house , get wallet, go back to bike , throw leg over, knock gloves off tank, get off bike, pick gloves up, throw leg over, put gloves on , check fuel level , make sure tripometer is zero

set off

Juvecu has a huge list of checks which on some Paranoiacal Richter scale would be 8.7, and then finishes his post in a tsunami of madness with:

Edit: Actually thought of one little ritual I do have: I usually push my trousers up under my crotch right before I mount the bike to make sure the trousers haven't sagged down and cause trouble with me lifting my leg high enough (and so that I don't accidentally sit on the crown jewels...)

User 650 is more like stibbs...

user650 » Wed Apr 10, 2013 10:55 pm

Wheel - Engine - Wheel

yep all there off we go

But Andy M tries to eclipse juvecu with an unlikely tale of little coloured tags, a margarine tub, pockets and a tooltube, in an orgy of organisation

It's a way of dealing with the voices in your head. There's nothing worse than a nice 450 miler to Dover with the voices laughing at you and saying you've forgotten your passport or didn't check the oil and tyres. Better to pick the thing off the table, into the inside pocket, see the green tag for the pre-ride check and be off.

.............Yes, Andy.  :confusion-seeingstars:

Rusty Nuts says:

Same pockets means it's a very quick check to know if phone / house keys/ wallet / rabbit's foot? whatever are where they should be.
Only thing that totally furks that up is the new jacket with different pockets in all the "wrong" sizes in the "wrong"places. I'm like a Tyrolyean oompah dancer patting myself down and frisking myself for what I KNOW is there, because I've only just bloody well put it there!

willbo has a mad routine of neurotic checking, forgetting stuff and failing to set off like all of the above rolled into one, and then his signature line says: I'm sane - and I've a certificate to prove it!'......

mr diver's routine:

get gear on, walk over to garage, pull bike out, close garage, burp, fart, climb on and

......a fine set of routines which could probably see him into the position of personal driver to HRM The Queen, if he wanted (if he toned down the farting a bit).

[Gassoon]

A thread is begun by blackops asking what moniker we should have for the up-coming 1000 vee seriously puts forward the term 'Veek' ...Ptarmigans fault, that.  

It's then compounded by greywolf with

Veek! It's Vee+beak, sounds very much like beak, keeps the double E of the line and contains an EEK! which is what most people say the first time they see it

. There is much interesting discussion, and incidentally the mystery of what ever happened to Victor Meldrew is answered...

Re: Glee??

by Brockett48 » Tue Apr 16, 2013 6:57 pm

Whatever the new Vee is to be called I will not be buying one if it has a purposeless adornment a.k.a. a 'beak'.

I didn't get to be a balding, fat, old, soft, southerner by worrying about 'image' and I don't need Suzuki to worry for me.
 :wtf:
If I get to worry about having looky likey BMW pretentions then I'll start looking at shoe catalogues, TV Talent shows, and wearing matching pants.   [/color]

   

[Gassoon]

Stibbs on BBC's 'The Apprentice'

"It'd be great to be associated with the type of money grabbing scumbag who'd be taking part in that show eh?"

Fatbelly with happy memories of the 70's and 80's: "Nobody ever mentions that Alan Sugar made his millions by selling crap goods that looked like the real thing to people who didn't know any better. In my youth we used to pity the kids who had badgered their parents to buy a decent stereo and their Mum bought an Amstrad big box of lights and switches that sounded like a cheap tranny."

Personally, I wonder if the auto-electrics parts maker Lucas (aka 'The Prince of Darkness') who supplied British bike makers was in any way related to Amstrad?

[Gassoon]

'Esso demand I dismount to fuel' in V strom specific.

WLR had been pulled up by petrol station people:

The other day Esso in High Wycombe asked me to dismount before I could use the pump.
It was bloody tricky trying to hold the bike upright with my hips and operate the pump at the same time.

I asked inside who had told me to dismount and why, a lady said it was her and that the police had advised them to use this policy as they had had drive offs.

Is it 'health and safety gone mad?', sheer prejudice, power-crazy personnel - can you get more in the tank this way anyway?

Greywolf:

There is an air space at the top due to the tube extending into the tank from the filler. It's there to prevent cold fuel from expanding past the cap as it warms. There is virtually no difference between attitudes when filling and the difference may be in favour of the side stand as the right side of the tube is higher than the centre when tilted.

It's easier to see the fuel level standing next to the bike too. A slight mistake in filling when astride will soak your private part in fuel, a very painful experience. Now imagine yourself astride the bike with your nether regions feeling like they are on fire even if the fuel is not ignited and you need to dismount in a hurry with a fuel hose in your hand and the side stand is probably not even down. Get off the bike. It will probably do you good to walk a bit anyway[/u].

   

Personally, I stopped reading after the bit with 'your nether regions' ,'ignition' and 'fire'...

Stibbs, who earlier described how a Morrisons attendant had demanded he dismount while refuelling, and he challenged this with Morrisons heads and was vindicated (she went for further training) said:

Yeah I get your drift wolfy, but, each to their own.
I've been doing it years and never had a problem.
Point taken though, there is an element of risk, riding the thing is also risky I reckon  

And WLR:

In 24 years I have never had a problem with fuel and my nads, and I don't expect to anytime soon.

Hear, Hear! But - Is it me, or does WLR imagine that it will happen someday??

[Gassoon]

Controversy about this http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-22449442

a motorcyclist who broke speed limits and bragged about it on the internet, basically. Are 'speed limits' too
uniformly applied? Are they really just money-making enterprises, or the best we have to try to protect lives? Or something in-between? The debates go back and forth, and lead to discussion of training and testing...

Andy M says

Ah, the driving test: The ability to conform to whatever mode is currently in fashion for half an hour before being allowed to do anything you like so long as you don't go over the posted limit having failed to see the camera or plod.

 :limp: Which is one way of looking at it!

[Gassoon]

Tue Apr 30, 2013 6:41 am Moaning old Gits...

After MartinW and jimbo wrote about types of people who piss them off...

Fatbelly wrote:Me too, Jimbo, and also leather jackets (or even waistcoats) with patches on!

Andy M says: I think my favourite "tribals" were a bunch of badass, stick-on tatood, plastic Harley riders who turned out to be the Accountants Motorcycle Association of Denmark The fact they were dividing up their restaurant bill to the nearest cent gave it away
 
Too many Andy M and Fatbelly quotes - lets pick on someone else!