REALLY Bad Jokes

[Barbel Mick]

My friend Gavin died yesterday, from an allergic reaction to eating heart burn tablets.

I can't believe Gavisgone.

[The Doctor 46]

The harmonica is the only instrument I don't mind sucking at.

[The Doctor 46]

Seeing as it's St Patricks day here is a joke that was first posted here back in 2008. 

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
 The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son,
where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard you telling mom
you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

 And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by  myself with an £80,000 mortgage & no bike!"

[The Doctor 46]

Some silly jokes to exercise your chuckle muscles. 

Why shouldn’t you fundraise for marathons? They just take the money and run.
Why did the crab cross the road? It didn’t—it used the sidewalk.
Why does it take pirates a long time to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C!
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
Why can’t you put two half-dollars in your pocket? Because two halves make a hole, and your money will fall out!
Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock? It’s a little meteor.

[Hugo Magnus]

A horse is in the pub having a few when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter",
Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”,
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this c*** he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies
" that's me when I played for Juventus !

[Joe Rocket]

Astronomers have found until now a previously undiscovered star and although it's relatively close in cosmic distance terms dim light from it has taken many years to reach us.

They've named it Dave.

[MisterDavey]

[MisterDavey]

[The Doctor 46]

These are some of the baddest jokes I could find.

What did the horse say after it tripped?
Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up!

2. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the “P” is silent.

3. What do you call a well-balanced horse?

Stable.

4. What do you call an angry carrot?

A steamed veggie.

5. Where do polar bears keep their money?

In a snowbank.

6. How do you make an egg roll?

You push it!

7. What would bears be without bees?

Ears.

8. What do you call a pile of cats?

A meow-ntain.

Sorry!

[MisterDavey]

 

[MisterDavey]

A man walks into the doctor's office stark naked and wrapped in clingfilm.
The doctor looked at him and said "I can clearly see your nuts"

[MisterDavey]

I pulled a sicky the other day.

It’s one of the perks of working at the hospital.

[MisterDavey]

I've got a date with a woman who identifies as a wheelie bin, but I can't remember if I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday..

[2112]

.

[Brockett]

.

[Ambergnat]

A chap wakes up to find a gorilla is on his roof, so he looks in the phone book and finds an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he’ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a dog.

"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

The gorilla removal expert says, “I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to bite and hold the gorilla by the balls until I get down and slap on the handcuffs.”

Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.   The Homeowner asks, "What's the shotgun for?"

"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

[Brockett]

Although not written as a joke ..................................  club news letter  ....

"Robin xxxxxx has resigned from the committee due to work commitments and moving to Australia"

[MisterDavey]

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
I replied, "No..."
She responded: "How about now?"

[MisterDavey]

We use to have a teacher called Miss Turtle at school, strange woman, but she tortoise well....

[The Doctor 46]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely."

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

No! She replies, I'll wait for the police.