Author Topic: REALLY Bad Jokes  (Read 52068 times)

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Offline Hugo Magnus

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #680 on: November 14, 2020, 12:11:21 »
You could get a quote from a turf accountant :shrug:
The interruptions ARE the journey  (Ted Simon)



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Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #681 on: November 15, 2020, 10:07:54 »
Thinking of buying a Bee Hive, four Hens and a Cockerel and putting them in the back garden.
That way I'll get my Honey for nothing and my chicks for free.
Mick

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Online MartinW

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #682 on: November 15, 2020, 11:28:07 »
Won't help with getting your own TV though.
Tall, Dark and Handsome (In 1987) - Just tall now !!

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Online Joe Rocket

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #683 on: November 15, 2020, 12:02:38 »
Just for you Martin.........first line!

I need some fine wine and you, you need to be nicer

Online MartinW

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #684 on: November 15, 2020, 12:15:55 »
I did look at them yo-yo's.
Tall, Dark and Handsome (In 1987) - Just tall now !!

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Offline mr_diver

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #685 on: November 16, 2020, 20:01:57 »
.



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Offline kwackboy

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #686 on: November 16, 2020, 21:00:17 »
 :smirk:  lol
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Offline Hugo Magnus

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #687 on: November 19, 2020, 12:42:25 »
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following:
 "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more.  Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
 "You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
 "Hello, coola down lady," said the man.
 "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

The interruptions ARE the journey  (Ted Simon)



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Offline Brockett

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #688 on: November 21, 2020, 14:29:24 »
Subject to whatever lockdown or other covid restrictions that are in force...
I think this also applies to cake and all day breakfasts:-
Look at the clock and the calendar.
It'll never be now again.
So just get out and do it.
As fast as you possibly can.
Because .........
Nothing travels faster than the speed of time.

Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #689 on: November 21, 2020, 15:43:31 »
That's not a really bad joke Brocket.....it's more a statement of truth!  :thumb:   :)
Mick

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Offline tallpaul

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #690 on: November 21, 2020, 16:40:45 »
More like 324 miles away for Kwackboy and Holmsey!
Old enough to know better, but still too young to care...

Offline Brockett

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #691 on: November 23, 2020, 15:12:06 »
A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying fucker, He's never been out of the garden!
Look at the clock and the calendar.
It'll never be now again.
So just get out and do it.
As fast as you possibly can.
Because .........
Nothing travels faster than the speed of time.

Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #692 on: November 23, 2020, 15:15:54 »
 lol
Mick

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Offline kwackboy

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #693 on: November 23, 2020, 17:29:33 »
BREAKING NEWS .!!!

Am armed man has just run into an estate agents, and shouted

"NOBODY MOVE.!!"
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Offline 2112

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #694 on: November 25, 2020, 15:16:44 »
The Mrs asked me if I could clear the dining room table after lunch. I had to take a run up but I just managed.
It's pronounced 'twenty-one-twelve'

Online Joe Rocket

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #695 on: November 27, 2020, 16:05:01 »
Did you know 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.........?
I need some fine wine and you, you need to be nicer

Offline kwackboy

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #696 on: November 28, 2020, 17:12:39 »
I lost my job at the salvation army today. I was serving at the soup kitchen and all I said was ...

"Hurry up" some of us have got homes to go to ...  :shrug:
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Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #697 on: November 28, 2020, 19:00:14 »
My girlfriend said "Come into the bedroom and I'll put on that black lace number...”
I said "No thanks, I can't stand ‘Agadoo’...”
Mick

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Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #698 on: November 28, 2020, 19:03:52 »
Pssst ... I’ve got some racing geese for sale.
Let me know if you want a quick gander.
Mick

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Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #699 on: November 28, 2020, 19:05:42 »
I was shopping this morning, and when I got to the till I asked, "Is it alright if I pay by card?"
The assistant said, "Certainly - which card do you have?"
"I said, "The four of Hearts."
Mick

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