Author Topic: REALLY Bad Jokes  (Read 30779 times)

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Offline MartinW

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #320 on: August 09, 2019, 21:53:48 »
Fair Comment :grin:
Tall, Dark and Handsome (In 1987) - Just tall now !!

Chief Stasi


Offline kwackboy

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #321 on: August 17, 2019, 12:35:46 »
Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall?

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She actually went on my dirt bike...

Sergeant:
What kind of bike was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It's a new 2019 Kawasaki KX450 in lime green with a Liquid-cooled, 4-stroke Single engine, 449 cm³ displacement, 96 x 62.1 mm Bore x stroke with Compression ratio of 12.5:1. DOHC 4 valve, Forced lubrication, semi‑dry sump. Front suspension; 49 mm inverted telescopic fork with adjustable compression and rebound damping. Rear; New Uni-Trak with adjustable dual-range (high/lowspeed). Front brakes are Single semi-floating 270 mm petal disc. Caliper: Dual-piston. Rear brakes are Single 250 mm petal disc. Caliper: Single-piston. 5-speed transmission, Primary Reduction Ratio of 2.727 (60/22).  Wet multi-disc manual clutch. Perimeter, aluminum frame, 122 mm trail, 305mm front wheel travel, 307 for the rear. Front tyre: 80/100-21 51M and rear 120/80-19 63M. Steering angle, left / right 42° / 42° L x W x H 2,185 x 830 x 1,275 mm Wheelbase 1,485 mm Ground clearance 340 mm Fuel capacity 6.2 litres Seat height 955 mm Curb mass 110.0 kg... (continues to cry). 

Sergeant:
Don't worry mate. We'll find your bike.

Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #322 on: August 24, 2019, 08:21:05 »
They've decided to make an invisible airplane, I'm not sure it's a good idea..................... I can't see it taking off!
Mick

Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #323 on: August 25, 2019, 22:03:01 »
I had plans to move into a flat above a police station................but apparently nobody is above the law!
Mick

Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #324 on: August 25, 2019, 22:04:46 »
Despite going bald I've still got a comb I bought 30 years ago....................I just can't part with it!
Mick

Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #325 on: August 25, 2019, 22:08:45 »
I went to the doctor's complaining of hearing problems. The doctor said "can you describe the symptoms?"
 I said "Homers a fat bastard and Marge has blue hair."
Mick

Offline MartinW

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #326 on: August 31, 2019, 08:49:57 »
Do you know what you get for Breakfast at the Dignitas Clinic?

Cheerios.
Tall, Dark and Handsome (In 1987) - Just tall now !!

Chief Stasi


Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #327 on: September 05, 2019, 21:11:21 »
I found a shop in town called Moderation...................

They had everything in there!
Mick

Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #328 on: September 05, 2019, 21:12:01 »
I'm a master forger.............................

and I've got all the certificates to prove it.
Mick

Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #329 on: September 05, 2019, 21:13:22 »
Congratulations to Hugh Zappritti Boyden, on his new role as chairman of the British Budgerigar Association.
Mick

Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #330 on: September 11, 2019, 14:56:58 »
I went to the pub dressed as a tennis ball last night.......................
I got served straight away!
Mick

Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #331 on: September 11, 2019, 14:59:02 »
I had a terrible fear of walking under Horse Chestnut Trees in the autumn...................
But after therapy I've managed to conquer it.
Mick

Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #332 on: September 11, 2019, 15:00:13 »
I've just won the most secretive person award 2019...................
I can't tell you how much it means to me.
Mick

Offline Ticker

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #333 on: September 11, 2019, 17:50:21 »
Two chimps in a bath,

One goes "ooh ooh ohh ahh ahh ahh!"

The other one says "If it's too hot, run some bloody cold in!"
2019 V-Strom 1000


Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #334 on: September 13, 2019, 22:46:27 »
Caught the woman next door crying 'cause she'd run out of fabric conditioner.

Managed to offer her a small amount of comfort.
Mick

Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #335 on: September 13, 2019, 22:47:30 »
I told my doctor my ear was blocked.
He asked, "What ear is it?"
I said, "2019."
Mick

Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #336 on: September 13, 2019, 22:48:20 »
1, 2, 3 o'clock, 4 o'clock paper.
5, 6, 7 o'clock, 8 o'clock paper.
9, 10, 11 o'clock, 12 o'clock paper.
Bill Haley was so predictable that I beat him every time.
Mick

Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #337 on: September 13, 2019, 22:54:00 »
Sitting naked, drinking beer and telling terrible jokes to strangers has become a whole lot more fun since I've been on this forum.
Mick

Offline Brockett

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #338 on: September 13, 2019, 23:26:58 »
 lol lol turn your camera off  lol lol lol
Look at the clock and the calendar.
It'll never be now again.
So just get out and do it.
As fast as you possibly can.

Nothing travels faster than the speed of time.

Offline Rusty Nuts

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #339 on: September 14, 2019, 05:04:17 »
Bloody hell, Mick, get a job, will you!
Sent from my Red Army intelligence-gathering Huawei tablet.