Author Topic: REALLY Bad Jokes (Read 178963 times)

MartinW · « **Reply #1120 on:** May 28, 2022, 19:14:08 »

I have a tattoo that is just an outline drawing and my wife has spent all afternoon colouring it in.

I think she needed a shoulder to crayon.

Mr Nick · « **Reply #1121 on:** May 30, 2022, 00:07:24 »

I've lost control. I don't see an end. There is no escape. I don't even have a home anymore.
Time for a new keyboard.

Hugo Magnus · « **Reply #1122 on:** May 30, 2022, 06:12:19 »

Be thankful you don't have a pregnant pause!

Barbel Mick · « **Reply #1123 on:** June 01, 2022, 08:32:41 »

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "
I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

Barbel Mick · « **Reply #1124 on:** June 01, 2022, 08:33:16 »

Jubilee decorations

kwackboy · « **Reply #1125 on:** June 10, 2022, 14:54:50 »

First off, THANK YOU EVERYONE for your concern.
I'm OK, just a bit shaken up, but l'll be OK. For those of you who don't know what happened, I was robbed yesterday morning at the petrol station filling up the car. I gathered myself together, my hands were still shaking, I was dizzy and I honestly think I was in shock. My money was gone. I called the police, they were fantastic and called for medical assistance as my blood pressure was through the roof.
The police asked me if I knew who did it, and I told them "Yes, it was pump number 4 ”

kwackboy · « **Reply #1126 on:** June 11, 2022, 21:36:36 »

SteveO · « **Reply #1127 on:** June 11, 2022, 23:09:33 »

Mr Nick · « **Reply #1128 on:** June 19, 2022, 21:46:17 »

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber. I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple of cucumbers. After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile’s and sometimes a wink. All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking.
The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.

kwackboy · « **Reply #1129 on:** June 20, 2022, 07:03:43 »

I visited the birthplace of the person who invented the toothbrush.

There’s no plaque...

Mr Nick · « **Reply #1130 on:** June 23, 2022, 22:18:07 »

I'm not one to brag, but I have sykick powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking: “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

Hugo Magnus · « **Reply #1131 on:** June 24, 2022, 10:25:33 »

A young bloke called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for £250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.
The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."
Tommy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back. That's fine."
The farmer said, "Sorry, I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Tommy then said, "Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, "Why? What you going to do with him?"
Tommy replied, "I’m going to raffle him off."
The farmer laughed and said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse! Who'd buy a ticket?"
Tommy answered, "Sure I can, just watch me. I just won't tell anybody the horse is dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, "What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?"
Tommy said, "I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at £5 a piece."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Tommy smiled and said, "Just the bloke who won. So I gave him his £5 back."

Barbel Mick · « **Reply #1132 on:** June 26, 2022, 09:56:38 »

I remember back in the 1970s my mum won a years supply of Spam.
Unfortunately, she just frittered it away.

Hugo Magnus · « **Reply #1133 on:** June 26, 2022, 11:40:53 »

Beware Spam post above

Mr Nick · « **Reply #1134 on:** June 29, 2022, 12:24:19 »

Honda is coming out with the first electric vehicle with wireless charging. It's called the Honda Accordless.

Barbel Mick · « **Reply #1135 on:** July 01, 2022, 16:10:31 »

Woman at her partners funeral. A man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, be my guest" says the woman
The man stands up, clears his throat and says "Plethora" and sits back down.
"Thanks" says the woman "That means a lot"

Barbel Mick · « **Reply #1136 on:** July 01, 2022, 16:14:04 »

I said to the woman in B&Q, “what's best for greasy ovens?”
She said, “Ammonia cleaner”
I said, “Sorry I thought you were a store assistant”

Barbel Mick · « **Reply #1137 on:** July 01, 2022, 16:15:10 »

My mate keeps saying to me “cheer up, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”.
I know he means well.

Barbel Mick · « **Reply #1138 on:** July 01, 2022, 16:17:18 »

My wife asked me "Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"
Apparently "No, it's just you" is the wrong answer.......

Barbel Mick · « **Reply #1139 on:** July 06, 2022, 11:59:31 »

I was in a cafe this morning and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup.
It got so bad it ended up in violence.
I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages…