Author Topic: REALLY Bad Jokes  (Read 134421 times)

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Offline MartinW

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #320 on: August 09, 2019, 21:53:48 »
Fair Comment :grin:
Tall, Dark and Handsome (In 1987) - Just tall now !!

Chief Stasi


Offline kwackboy

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #321 on: August 17, 2019, 12:35:46 »
Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall?

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She actually went on my dirt bike...

Sergeant:
What kind of bike was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It's a new 2019 Kawasaki KX450 in lime green with a Liquid-cooled, 4-stroke Single engine, 449 cm³ displacement, 96 x 62.1 mm Bore x stroke with Compression ratio of 12.5:1. DOHC 4 valve, Forced lubrication, semi‑dry sump. Front suspension; 49 mm inverted telescopic fork with adjustable compression and rebound damping. Rear; New Uni-Trak with adjustable dual-range (high/lowspeed). Front brakes are Single semi-floating 270 mm petal disc. Caliper: Dual-piston. Rear brakes are Single 250 mm petal disc. Caliper: Single-piston. 5-speed transmission, Primary Reduction Ratio of 2.727 (60/22).  Wet multi-disc manual clutch. Perimeter, aluminum frame, 122 mm trail, 305mm front wheel travel, 307 for the rear. Front tyre: 80/100-21 51M and rear 120/80-19 63M. Steering angle, left / right 42° / 42° L x W x H 2,185 x 830 x 1,275 mm Wheelbase 1,485 mm Ground clearance 340 mm Fuel capacity 6.2 litres Seat height 955 mm Curb mass 110.0 kg... (continues to cry). 

Sergeant:
Don't worry mate. We'll find your bike.
Chief trouble maker 🙂

Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #322 on: August 24, 2019, 08:21:05 »
They've decided to make an invisible airplane, I'm not sure it's a good idea..................... I can't see it taking off!
Mick

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Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #323 on: August 25, 2019, 22:03:01 »
I had plans to move into a flat above a police station................but apparently nobody is above the law!
Mick

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Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #324 on: August 25, 2019, 22:04:46 »
Despite going bald I've still got a comb I bought 30 years ago....................I just can't part with it!
Mick

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Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #325 on: August 25, 2019, 22:08:45 »
I went to the doctor's complaining of hearing problems. The doctor said "can you describe the symptoms?"
 I said "Homers a fat bastard and Marge has blue hair."
Mick

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Offline MartinW

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #326 on: August 31, 2019, 08:49:57 »
Do you know what you get for Breakfast at the Dignitas Clinic?

Cheerios.
Tall, Dark and Handsome (In 1987) - Just tall now !!

Chief Stasi


Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #327 on: September 05, 2019, 21:11:21 »
I found a shop in town called Moderation...................

They had everything in there!
Mick

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Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #328 on: September 05, 2019, 21:12:01 »
I'm a master forger.............................

and I've got all the certificates to prove it.
Mick

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Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #329 on: September 05, 2019, 21:13:22 »
Congratulations to Hugh Zappritti Boyden, on his new role as chairman of the British Budgerigar Association.
Mick

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Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #330 on: September 11, 2019, 14:56:58 »
I went to the pub dressed as a tennis ball last night.......................
I got served straight away!
Mick

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Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #331 on: September 11, 2019, 14:59:02 »
I had a terrible fear of walking under Horse Chestnut Trees in the autumn...................
But after therapy I've managed to conquer it.
Mick

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Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #332 on: September 11, 2019, 15:00:13 »
I've just won the most secretive person award 2019...................
I can't tell you how much it means to me.
Mick

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Offline Ticker

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #333 on: September 11, 2019, 17:50:21 »
Two chimps in a bath,

One goes "ooh ooh ohh ahh ahh ahh!"

The other one says "If it's too hot, run some bloody cold in!"

Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #334 on: September 13, 2019, 22:46:27 »
Caught the woman next door crying 'cause she'd run out of fabric conditioner.

Managed to offer her a small amount of comfort.
Mick

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Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #335 on: September 13, 2019, 22:47:30 »
I told my doctor my ear was blocked.
He asked, "What ear is it?"
I said, "2019."
Mick

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Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #336 on: September 13, 2019, 22:48:20 »
1, 2, 3 o'clock, 4 o'clock paper.
5, 6, 7 o'clock, 8 o'clock paper.
9, 10, 11 o'clock, 12 o'clock paper.
Bill Haley was so predictable that I beat him every time.
Mick

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Offline Barbel Mick

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #337 on: September 13, 2019, 22:54:00 »
Sitting naked, drinking beer and telling terrible jokes to strangers has become a whole lot more fun since I've been on this forum.
Mick

Retired Breakfast Tester and semi professional tumbler.

Offline Brockett

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #338 on: September 13, 2019, 23:26:58 »
 lol lol turn your camera off  lol lol lol
This doesn't last forever, so do it while you can.

Online Rusty Nuts

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Re: REALLY Bad Jokes
« Reply #339 on: September 14, 2019, 05:04:17 »
Bloody hell, Mick, get a job, will you!